True Newz

Breaking news just released from the wires:

President Bush just gave an impromptu press conference where he announced a major break-through on the Global War on Terror.

President Bush stated, "I am glad to announce that due to my resolve and resoluteness and clarity on the War against the folks who hate our children, we have had a major victory against the suiciders who want to kidnap and torture your grandmothers. In other words, we did somethin' good and I'm looking forward to telling you about it.

First, any guesses on what the news is? Nah, I'm just funning. I'll tell you. Our security forces have finally brought to justice the nineteen suicider pilots who flew them planes into the Trade Center and the Pentagon and that field out there. They are no longer a threat to come here and steal your kidneys while you are sleeping."

A reporter then asked the President what he says to those people who claim that the 9-11 hijackers had died along with everyone else when the planes crashed, the President responded, "Those people who claim that, well, I don't think they hate America. Not all poor people are killers. We are in Iraq fighting folks who want to come here and fiddle-faddle your sister when she's passed out drunk. That's not right, and as President I swore to protect your drunk sister from fiddle-faddling. Now, I'm looking forward to seeing these hijackers brought to justice."

When pressed again on the apparent contradiction that the 19 hijackers were in fact dead and had been dead since September 11, 2001, the President turned and tried to exit through a brick wall and ran into a sign that read: "President Bush, the actual exit is the other way, please turn around before you hit this wall."