Bush is The Predicter

Rachel Maddow recently had a great riff on a particularly curious portion of Bush's Latest-Greatest Razzle-Dazzle. I just had to look it up for myself. Even for Bush it's a doozy.

So I sat down at the laptop all in a tizzy, ready for the snark and the irony and the vulgarity of it all.

Then I realized, after reading and re-reading this passage, that I had nothing. These statements are so intrinsically ridiculous and mendacious that it's inane to even try to rebut or prove them wrong. Bush is making a series of predictions on what would happen if the US military were to leave Iraq. To be sure, Bush is less Nostradamus and more Barney Fife.

But since I dabble in the inane...

Let's jump right in.

"If we were to be driven out of Iraq, extremists of all strains would be emboldened. "


"...would be emboldened." Is there any debate that extremists of all strains are already emboldened? Am I missing something? Is there a certain strain of Muslim extremist who is like, "Eh, the Americans bombing and killing Muslims for the oil, it's not so bad." And forget the extremists. I'd say about every moderate Muslim is emboldened to kill and destroy Americans by this point.


"Al Qaeda could gain new recruits and new sanctuaries. "

Seriously, what the fuck? Is there any debate that Al Qaeda has already gained new recruits and sanctuaries by our invasion? Not even the wingnuts can deny it. Shit, Bush has said our biggest enemy in Iraq is Al Qaeda.

"Iran would benefit from the chaos..."

Haven't we been saying Iran has been the big winner so far?

"Iraq could face a humanitarian nightmare. "

Okay, this one put me over the edge. The fact that hundreds of thousands of Iraqis are dead; that millions are refugees; that communities have been ethnically cleansed; that a civil war is occurring; that they have no electricity and no clean water and food; that most of the doctors have left the country; that unemployment is over 50%; that they have an increasing infant mortality rate; that their lives are shattered with no hope for any recovery anytime soon.

Bush is saying that since we are there, Iraq is not facing a humanitarian nightmare?

Seriously, what the fuck?

"Democracy movements would be violently reversed."

Such as the US support of Fateh to overthrow the democratically elected Hamas? Such as our support for Musharraf, a dictator vis-a-vis a military coup? Such as our support for the authoritarian leaders of Saudi Arabia? Such as the rumblings of overthrowing the democratically elected President of Iraq?

"We would leave our children to face a far more dangerous world. "

Gee, you thinks so, President Bush? For that you deserve all of the credit. Just consider the US foreign policy for the next generation Operation Blowback.


"And as we saw on September the 11th, 2001, those dangers can reach our cities and kill our people."

Yeah, we saw, Mr. President. We saw you sit there in a classroom full of children not knowing whether you should shit or wind your watch. You screwed the pooch on 9-11 and now you are screwing us. You have robbed us of our treasure and spilled our blood and mortally wounded multiple nations. Including the one you swore to protect.

To recap, according to Bush, as long as we are in Iraq: Extremists will not be emboldened; Al Qaeda will not gain new recruits or sanctuaries; Iran will not benefit; Iraq will not face any humanitarian crises; no democracy movements will be reversed; our children will be safer; and absolutely no attacks will occur on US soil.

In the spirit then, Mr. President, let me look in the crystal ball and make a Bushian prediction:

Regardless of whether we stay or leave Iraq, George W. Bush will be recorded as the single worst President in the history of the United States. History will place him as one of the most dangerous and destructive leaders of the 20th century.

Like, Oh My God! This is So Totally 1980s

Remember when President Bush looked into Putin's soul and declared him America's Best Friend Forever? Well, Pootie-Poot has just exploded a new fangled bomb. Not just any old bomb mind you, but the Daddy of All Bombs. Flush with new oil money, the Evil Empire that Ronald Reagan, armed with only a sling-shot, defeated all by hizself, well, it's BAAAACKKK!!!

In addition to the "Who's Your Daddy Bomb", Putin just fired the entire government weeks before presidential elections. Get those blue fingers ready, y'all!

The Republican chicken-hawks and neocons are having wet-dreams over the thought of a 3-way with Russia and the Islamofacistbadguys. Think about it: after bombing Iran, Syria, Yemen then Iraq again, what's left? Russia opens up so many more possibilities. No, we wouldn't actually bomb them, but think of the hundreds of billions of dollars to build more jets and subs and bombs and bribes and payoffs.

Maybe we'll finally get the long awaited sequel to Valley Girl.

True Newz

Breaking news just released from the wires:

President Bush just gave an impromptu press conference where he announced a major break-through on the Global War on Terror.

President Bush stated, "I am glad to announce that due to my resolve and resoluteness and clarity on the War against the folks who hate our children, we have had a major victory against the suiciders who want to kidnap and torture your grandmothers. In other words, we did somethin' good and I'm looking forward to telling you about it.

First, any guesses on what the news is? Nah, I'm just funning. I'll tell you. Our security forces have finally brought to justice the nineteen suicider pilots who flew them planes into the Trade Center and the Pentagon and that field out there. They are no longer a threat to come here and steal your kidneys while you are sleeping."

A reporter then asked the President what he says to those people who claim that the 9-11 hijackers had died along with everyone else when the planes crashed, the President responded, "Those people who claim that, well, I don't think they hate America. Not all poor people are killers. We are in Iraq fighting folks who want to come here and fiddle-faddle your sister when she's passed out drunk. That's not right, and as President I swore to protect your drunk sister from fiddle-faddling. Now, I'm looking forward to seeing these hijackers brought to justice."

When pressed again on the apparent contradiction that the 19 hijackers were in fact dead and had been dead since September 11, 2001, the President turned and tried to exit through a brick wall and ran into a sign that read: "President Bush, the actual exit is the other way, please turn around before you hit this wall."

Bush is the "Knower"

Evidently President Bush knew that Saddam didn't have any WMDs or some such whatever.

Duh. Yawn. ZZZZZ.

Such a minor issue. It's not like Bush used the threat of WMDs to manipulate the country into going to war against a sovereign nation that was of ZERO threat to us. In fact, I don't think Bush ever mentioned that Saddam had WMDs in the lead up to the war. Why would he? He knew Saddam didn't have them. Bush wouldn't lie? What would be the pay-off? What would his motivation be for lying?

It makes no sense.

Now, Iran, they so have the bomb. At least that what Bush sez. And really, why would he lie? What would be his motivation?

It makes no sense.

Bush Celebrates Labor Day

Today, Labor Day, Bush made a surprise visit to Baghdad.

Makes sense, really. Bush can definitely take credit for creating hundreds of thousands of jobs... in Iraq.

No doubt his next stop will be some factory in China for more evidence of his Greatness of job creation and prosperity...in China.